I’m of “marriageable” age apparently. So what?

Dear society,

Just WHAT is the matter with you?  When I say society, I’m talking to you, my mom’s friend, to you my doddamma’s friend and whoever else is going to come up to people who know me and ask them if I’m “available for marriage.”

I’m 23 and I’ve been receiving wedding proposals from everywhere. I don’t want to get married already! I know I’m awesome, but you can’t just choose me out of a webpage or a booklet. That’s how I buy clothes btw. Or books. Or gadgets. Go online, see the specifications and buy them if they suit me. I can’t do that with human beings. Cash on delivery or not.

Parent's logic for their daughters:
In high school: Don't talk to boys.
In college: Don't talk to boys.
When you turn 23: Get married

— Indian Stats (@Indian_stats) December 16, 2013

I’m not writing this because this whole “marriage” issue has bothered me or something. It hasn’t. Even my parents aren’t bothered. It’s just a broad message to the society. But this post stemmed out of this discussion I had with my doddamma (aunt) last night. This is how it went.

Me: Doddi, just so you know, I’m never ever going to agree for an arranged marriage. I have to choose whom I want to marry.

Doddamma: Of course you have the freedom to choose whom you want to marry. Let’s say it’s 50% your choice. The other 50% is mine, your mum’s, dad’s, tatha’s, pati’s, su’s, etc. (Sure, because they are all going to have to live with my future husband, 50% of the time.)

Me (Amidst peals of laughter): Say, let’s make it 80% and 20%. (Sarcasm)

Doddamma: Whoa! You’re giving me 80% choice? Yayyy! You’re my favourite niece! I love you my fourth chinni! (That’s what she calls her kids/nieces. First, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh chinni.)

Me: Haha! You have high hopes! You’re lucky I even gave you 20% choice.

Doddamma (Absolutely, dramatically offended): HAW! Why not? I’m your doddi! I must have a say. Your husband should be a Brahmin, from a good family, handsome, earning well, famous. (Points at this guy on TV, whom she is a really big fan of.) Your husband should be like him. Hmmm… We don’t have any TV stars in the family. Marry a TV star.

At this point, I figured she was taking the discussion elsewhere, completely deviating from the point. My life isn’t a movie. I’m not going to marry a TV star and watch him act opposite some other pretty girls. Not happening. Ok forget such hypothetical situations.

In my real life, a few of my colleagues are going bonkers over marriage! I have one girl whose mum is worried that all her friends are getting married and having babies. She is least bothered. Or so I think. I have another colleague who, by herself, is worried sick about her friends getting married. She gets so worked up every time she sees some friend or acquaintance on Facebook put up wedding or engagement statuses or photos, she gets into a terrible, angry mood swing.

I suppose that’s one way of looking at it

While I understand that people might be irked about not having found that perfect someone, it’s ridiculous for parents to force marriage upon their children. Marriage is something that is supposed to make the couple happy. Not the couple’s parents happy. Marriage is just a phase that a couple gets into when they are so sure that they want to be together forever. A thread around my neck would mean nothing to me. I don’t like wearing threads around my neck. I don’t even like rings on my finger. They symbolise nothing to me. Marriage is something you believe in. If you don’t understand or believe the seven rounds you do around a fire or the shlokas a diamond studded purohit says, then it’s pointless. I have already told my parents that I don’t want a fancy wedding affair. (That’s one less South Indian Iyengari meal you can expect.) Marriage, I believe, is something you settle into. It does not happen overnight, after you sign a register and kick a bit of rice and spill it onto the ground. That would feed four or five poor hungry instead.

Besides, if a girl hasn’t found that perfect someone and is worried about turning too old to have babies, she’ll adopt a baby! Or there are other ways of getting pregnant now! If it’s the parents who are worried about not having grand kids, tell them to adopt a baby! Gosh! I’m suggesting adoption because if you’re more worried about having a baby at the right age than finding that perfect someone, then you won’t bother about having the baby with the perfect someone. Ok I’m getting a bit complicated. Was at Purple Haze for a bit too long.

Let’s just put it this way. Think about it for a second. What do you want more? A baby or a partner? Whatever you decided within the first four seconds is your answer. I guess.

As for me, I’ve had enough of living according to the norms of the society to keep others happy. I studied well, be’d a good student, a non-spoilt, mature-ish girl all my life to keep others happy. Although I didn’t do engineering, as was the norm, I got into the best Journalism school there is in India, to keep others happy. It’s not like the steps I have taken so far in life haven’t been fruitful. I don’t regret those steps either. It’s just that there is always the question of “What if” in my head. “What if I had done everything I wanted to in my own way? Would my life have been completely different? Maybe better? Maybe more adventurous?” I have come to realise that I have done a lot to keep everyone happy. I’m not bragging about how I’m so selfless or anything. It’s just that a little bird told me that when you try too hard to keep the whole world happy, you end up compromising on your own happiness, even if making others happy makes you happy. You make one person happy about something and another might get pissed at the same thing. It’s not easy.

I’m done though. This is a question of a lifetime and we live just once. I’m not compromising on my decision to choose my own life partner. I’m not someone who’ll experiment with marriage or relationships. I’m old enough and thanks to living by the the norms, mature enough, to make my own decisions. If I get into something, I will stick with it forever. I trust myself more than anyone else with my own life.

That’s why I’m going to choose my partner, 100%. All you people who are trying to hook me up, save yourselves the trouble. Or if you insist on continuing, go ahead. Amuse me. I’m yours to be entertained!

PS: I’m not against people who want to get into arranged marriages. I’m just irked by the lack of freedom of choice that we often see in this society, even though we’re living in 2014. Peace. Cheers.

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