I’m writing because WordPress.com was open on a tab and it asked me if I’d wanna post something. Why not?
I’m currently downloading a video tutorial to play Fade to Black on my keyboard. It’s taking forever to download because I’m also downloading The Book Thief (the movie) on Torrents. Yupp, I’m a freeloader.
Anyway, I’m going through all these keyboard and guitar players’ videos and there is so much talent in the world. I can’t help but feel mediocre looking at them. The other day, I was having this conversation with a couple of friends (Sudarshan and Anuj). They are gossip mongers. They keep asking me questions like ‘5 people you hated the most in college,’ ‘5 best writers from college,’ or ‘5 people you thought were most good looking.’ And I do answer religiously, mostly because I don’t want to disappoint.
I gave those questions a bit of thought the other day and realised I wouldn’t fall into any Top 5 category! I don’t look best, write best, be hated best, or anything. I know everyone says ‘aspire to be the best,’ blah blah blah. I do interviews with film directors, models, designers, actors, artists, authors and I get answers like “Mediocrity turns me off,” or “I set a very high bar for myself.” But is it a crime to not aspire to be the best? Do you turn into a loser? I don’t know. Unless you compare yourself to someone worse than you, you’ll always be mediocre. Even the best will have someone better than him/her. I can’t be the best pianist, the best writer, the best photographer. Oh God! As I type, I realise that, the term ‘best’ is so subjective. I never put thought into my blogposts beforehand. As I’m typing, things come to me, either to improve the post, or to muddle it up! Maybe I’m the best at being spontaneous, but that’s not true. I plan a lot of things, if not my blog. Maybe I’m best at muddling up my thoughts. Yeah that’s probably true.
For instance, I was going through my spam folder on Facebook the other day. This stranger was so impressed by my photography, he designed a watermark and a cool logo for me. Maybe he does it for everyone, maybe he did it only for me. He messaged me in 2011, and I saw it in 2014, and his Facebook profile doesn’t exist anymore. I’m sure he thought I was better than a few.
It’s nothing more than a boost to my self esteem. But here’s the question I’m tackling here. (Or so I think.)
Should we need someone to do/say something positive about us to boost our self esteem? Isn’t it called ‘self’ esteem for a reason? I don’t want to aspire to be the best. I love me, whether I’m the best or not. And everyone ought to love themselves with/without someone telling them they’re the best at something. My sister turned 30 the other day, and she was all sad that she hasn’t done anything substantial in life. That’s bullshit! The fact that she exists makes many people happy. She’s the best older sister.
You know, I always have my dad reminding me that I am not the best at all. He thinks he is. Everything I do, my dad says, “Gah! What’s the big deal! I aced at all this when I was your age!” But that sort of pushes me to do better. Maybe subconsciously I’m doing something to prove to him that I’m better than him, but in the process, I’m actually getting good at whatever it is I’m doing, be it piano playing, cleaning the house, whatever it is.
The maximum we can do is ace at whatever role we play in life – best friend, daughter, sister, mother, girlfriend. We can aim to be the best at it, because here, there is no comparing. My sister has just one younger sister, my dad and mum have just one younger daughter, you get the point. I know I’m the best there, and where my talent is concerned, I do things to make myself happy, to keep me satisfied, to keep my self esteem high enough for myself.
Now, why do I write such seemingly self indulgent posts? I write simply to put down all my thoughts, to organise them and make sense of them. That’s all.
Looks like the download is done. Tata!